Death by Suicide. Murder by Meth.

Dedicated to Judson, who left too soon.

*Content Warning: This post discusses substance use disorder, suicide, and suicide method is mentioned briefly. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides 24/7 free and confidential support. 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for help.

**Proper use of prescription drugs is helpful to those who need them. This writing is about overprescribing and addiction that can occur as a result.

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To listen to the podcast version of Judson’s story on ‘Always Andy’s Mom: Surviving Child Loss’, click here: www.andysmom.com/131

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From My Heart to Yours

As a newly grieving mother, if I can help just one person with my son’s story, his death will not be in vain. Just nine months after losing my son, my brain is still scrambled, my heart is shattered, and my tears are bitter—so my writing is very raw and unfiltered today. I am devastated, sad, and angry about what happened

Judson and his sister, Candace, were inseparable in their youth. — Judson and his big sister, Candace, were inseparable in their youth.

to my son. As I fumble awkwardly through my radically altered life, I want to try to help others by sharing what I have learned.

I want to shine a light on the greed of pharmaceutical companies who put profit before patient safety. I want to help change the stigma of mental health disorders, addiction, and suicide by joining the small yet ever-growing army of concerned people who strive to change the tragic epidemic of prescription and illicit drug addiction. I want to give hope to those who are personally suffering from depression, anxiety, addiction, suicidal thoughts, a sense of hopelessness—or know someone who is—so that we can help put an end to the stigma and this senseless loss of life.

It all started with Depression, Anxiety & Insomnia

Overprescribed medications and addiction were the last things on my mind when my son, Judson, graduated from the Shasta College Fire Academy at the top of his class and earned the ‘Leadership Award’ in 2005. As his mother, I was on top of the world and so proud because he was an incredible human, highly creative, extremely fun, very determined, and super gregarious. Judson had friends galore, and at the age of 19, purchased his own home without any help. He was hired by Cal-Fire immediately upon graduation and got married the following year. Judson went on to run a successful photography business and started Maltese Militia, an online firefighter clothing and accessory business. He was wildly successful—on the outside.

This outward success was juxtaposed with a dark and looming cloud—on the inside, Judson suffered from clinical depression after his short marriage ended in a stressful divorce in 2007. The depression led to extreme anxiety and severe insomnia.

Unfortunately, at the age of 24, our family doctor prescribed:

Ambien to sleep
Adderall to wake up
an antidepressant
anxiety meds
opioids for his back injury
This was unbeknownst to me at the time. What I did know was that Judson’s personality started to change. Deep in my gut, I felt something was off, but I did not know what. I just knew he was…different. Way different.

Shasta College Firefighter Academy Graduation, 2005. Judson received the Leadership Award.

Judson loved spending time with his niece, Charli, and nephew, Jackson.

Judson’s dream came true when he opened his own business, Maltese Militia. The launch campaign was hugely successful and included a custom-painted axe giveaway. (Custom paint by Carl Avery.)

Adderall Users Beware: this stimulant can produce numerous and dangerous side effects.

Judson’s personality had shifted from a fun, outgoing, sensitive, and thoughtful guy who never missed a birthday, to many times a quick-to-anger, hyper-sensitive, reclusive, and argumentative guy. I asked him several times if I had done something – was he mad at me? He always said, “No. I would tell you if I was.” So, I dropped it. I learned later that he was acting differently with everyone. And as I learned much too late, Adderall comes with a ‘Black Box’ warning and has a plethora of dangerous side effects that change brain chemistry, especially with prolonged usage. Listed below are just a few of the side effects of Adderall:

highly addictive
insomnia
aggression
depression
anxiety
psychosis
reduces cardiovascular capacity
panic attacks
sexual dysfunction

judson was suffering in silence

Judson and his cousin, Alexa, at her high school graduation.

I only wish I had known at the time what was going on. Judson was a perfectionist and had high expectations of himself. He did not share his struggles. He pushed forward and suffered in silence. How I wish I could turn back the clock and probe deeper. I truly regret not following my gut. And because Judson was still highly creative and hard-working, plus he continued to expand his fortune and success, I just thought it was me. I thought I must be overreacting. Because through it all, I still saw glimpses of the old Judson here and there.

The anguish of Adderall; mayhem of meth.

Fast forward ten years. You could have pushed me over with a feather in March 2017 when I found out that my son was addicted to meth. He was so full of shame when he told me. He started by telling me about the Adderall prescription. How our family doctor wrote several prescriptions when he went in for insomnia and depression a decade earlier. And how after ten years, which is considered prolonged use, Judson had become addicted to Adderall. I feel so sick about this – because that is not Judson’s fault. He trusted our doctor. As did I. No wonder he was miserable given the side effects of Adderall. No wonder he had changed so much. He started to cry…but then pulled back from the tears. Because men are not supposed to cry. It hurt me so much that he was hurting so much. It was excruciating. It still is.

He shared about that night.

That most devastating night in 2016 when his business, Maltese Militia, was booming. Which is a good thing, only it caused an extreme amount of stress for him because he started to fall behind on filling orders. He thought if he could just stay up for a few more hours that night, he could finish. Judson had run out of Adderall. So, he bought some meth. He would later tell me that he was only going to use it that night and refill his Adderall. But that didn’t happen. His life began to unravel more quickly than I can describe.

Meth is powerful. And, as I have learned, it has become even more powerful, insidious, and dangerous since 2013 when the Mexican cartel began smuggling meth into the United States. Created in “super labs” and derived from chemicals instead of plants, this newer version of meth is so powerful that most who use it are physically addicted after the first use.

“I DON’T KNOW THAT I WOULD EVEN CALL IT METH ANYMORE
Different chemically than it was a decade ago, the drug is creating a wave of severe mental illness and worsening America’s homelessness problem.
”

— Sam Quinones

Meth not only destroys neural pathways in the brain—it destroys lives. The collateral damage is vast. Meth causes mayhem for the user, the loved ones, the children, the public, and law enforcement. In days gone by, the drug was used as a social drug to stay up and “party.” Whereas now, the drug is an isolation drug as seen in the way it affects the homeless. Cravings for meth are so powerful the user will do whatever it takes to get it, which has shown up as increased property crimes and thefts, increased homelessness, and is creating a humanitarian crisis on many levels with devastating results. Overdose deaths and suicides are on the rise as these stimulant drugs, both the “legal” and illegal versions, ravage our communities every minute, every day. And meth does not discriminate: no class of people or race has been exempted from using meth. None.

Prescription “Thugs”: pharmaceutical companies should be held accountable.

“The Sackler family, billionaire owners of Purdue Pharma who are widely blamed for helping to spark the US opioid epidemic with dishonest marketing of their opioid OxyContin, have agreed a final settlement with US states seeking damages, after raising their offer from $4.3bn to $6bn.”

— Source: BMG.com

Pharmaceutical conglomerates that place profits over patient safety, and doctors who profit by keeping us sick, are referred to as “Prescription Thugs” in the documentary by the same name produced by Chris Bell. The opioid/heroin connection has been widely publicized, especially with the recent judgment against the Sackler family, owners of Purdue Pharma, the manufacturers of OxyContin. I believe the Adderall/meth connection is next.

Source: Policy and Medicine, policymed.com

In fact, in 2018, the makers of Adderall, Shire Pharmaceuticals (acquired by Takeda Pharmaceutical Company in January 2019) were ordered to pay tens of millions of dollars for violating the False Claims Act when it made outlandish claims as seen below.

“Adderall manufacturer violated the False Claims Act as a result of its marketing and promotion of several products, including ADHD drugs Adderall XR and Vyvanse. Part of the false advertising claimed:

’Adderall creates better students...treatment with Adderall XR would help PREVENT issues linked to ADHD, such as poor academic performance, loss of employment, criminal behavior, traffic accidents, and sexually transmitted disease.’”

— Policy & Medicine

These “gateway” and legal drugs such as Adderall and opioids, which are highly addictive and regularly overprescribed by doctors, often lead the users to seek out an illicit drug that garners the same results when they can no longer obtain or afford the prescription versions. And most of the judgments and fines imposed on the pharmaceutical companies equate to a slap on the wrist compared to the billions of dollars in profits versus the millions of lives adversely affected and lost.

I believe that Adderall is to meth what opioids are to heroin. And with what we have learned from the opioid/heroin connection, it seems fair to ask: Would there be such a high demand for meth if the over-prescribing practices of pharmaceutical stimulants like Adderall did not exist?

I believe the overprescribing of Adderall and other pharmaceutical stimulants is creating future meth addicts.

Judson reached for meth after a ten-year addiction to Adderall. That is when his life became unmanageable, and his world began to unravel. It is a mother’s worst nightmare to see her child suffer this way. It is agonizing.

And then…to lose him to suicide.

No parent should have to bury their child.

**Nobody in their right state of mind would sell their soul to drugs.**

“Not why the addiction, but why the pain.””

— Dr. Gabor Maté

And nobody, in their right mind, would take their own life. Judson took his life because he was not in his right mind, and he could not endure the pain any longer. Pain that could have been remedied with the correct plan of action from our family physician, not writing multiple prescriptions that were highly addictive and had side effects that only exacerbated his condition. This man, our family physician for years and who we trusted, should have exercised more care in his plan to help Judson’s depression and insomnia. We trust that physicians know the side effects of the drugs they prescribe. We trust that our physicians know that chronic exposure to stimulant drugs changes the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain that is home to critical thinking and making choices. Unsuspecting patients have been primed by the drug companies and their doctors to take a “magic pill” to stop their physical and/or mental pain.

And for the 800k people worldwide who died of overdoses or other drug-related maladies in 2021, the “magic pills” did not work. That is a substantial number and hard to grasp—maybe this will drive it home: 800k deaths per year breaks down to 91 people per hour who die from overdose or other drug-use complications worldwide. In the United States alone, the number is over 100k people per year, which means every hour, 11 of our fellow Americans, many of whom are teens, die from legal and illicit drug overdoses, complications, or suicide. Before you are done reading this article, a few people will have died.

Fentanyl is the next growing global concern in this drug crisis, where even in micro amounts, is lethal. Fentanyl is a synthetic opioid that is 50 times stronger than heroin and 100 times stronger than morphine, with the illicit version primarily produced in Mexico. Illegal drug labs are mixing it with cocaine, heroin, meth, pills – and it is even showing up in marijuana. Legal and illicit drug addiction has created a humanitarian crisis that takes more lives than COVID, cancer, and car accidents.

Death by Suicide – Murder by Meth

Judson’s Adderall addiction led to his meth addiction. And meth murdered him.

When I woke the morning of May 29th, 2021, I had a bad “mother gut” feeling. He had not returned my calls or my texts. This time when I called, his phone went straight to voice mail. I immediately called my friend and said, “I’ll be there in two hours. I need to find my son.” I jumped into my car and headed down the interstate. When I arrived at his business, Maltese Militia, I called out his name repeatedly. He did not answer. I was shaking. I was so afraid of what I might find. And after a quick search, I couldn’t find him. But then something caught my eye in the back of the room—something that was hanging. I stepped closer, only to see my beautiful son had hung himself. I screamed the guttural mother scream – and yelled to my friend to call 911. I was in shock. I still am.

No, Judson was not in his right mind—not for a long time. He never would have taken his own life if he were not suffering the devastating side effects of meth, and he never would have taken meth if he had not been addicted to Adderall.

Although I couldn’t save my son, I tried. I tried SO hard. My biggest regret is listening to this horrible advice: “The addict needs to choose to get better. They need to hit rock bottom. They need tough love.” In my heart, I do not believe that anyone suffering from brain damage because of chronic drug use, be it prescription or otherwise, can make good choices. Not, at least, until they receive help. I am joining a small but rapidly growing army of concerned individuals who want to help put a stop to this crisis.

This all started with depression and insomnia.

It ended with a massive cocktail of prescription drugs, addiction, and suicide.

It is too late for my precious Judson. But it is not too late for the rest of us to help in some small way to honor his memory and help someone who may be suffering. If you want to help, let’s talk about what we can do and keep this conversation going.

Together, we need to:

break down the stigma and change the narrative attached to addiction, mental health disorders, and suicide
stop blaming and shaming the afflicted
hold pharmaceutical companies and overprescribing doctors accountable
commit to prevention efforts through education, conversations, and curiosity

I know that by being transparent about my son’s story…

…I am risking judgment by some. But if I can help just one person, it is worth it. And Judson’s death will not be in vain.

I am Jami. I miss my son.

Resources:

1. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website states: “We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.” 1-800-273-8255

(The Lifeline and 988: 988 has been designated as the new three-digit dialing code that will route callers to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. While some areas may be currently able to connect to the Lifeline by dialing 988, this dialing code will be available to everyone across the United States starting on July 16, 2022.)

2. Safe Project. End Stigma. Inspire Action. Save Lives. Together we can Stop the Addiction Fatality Epidemic

3. Anne Moss Rogers is a writer and sought-after professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief. Author of the book Diary of a Broken Mind: A Mother's Story, A son's Suicide, and The Haunting Lyrics He Left Behind; Blog: Emotionally Naked - Anne Moss; and TedXTalk Can a blog save lives?

4. Emily's Hope Foundation is dedicated to removing the stigma of substance use disorder through awareness, education, and prevention; and removing financial barriers for treatment and recovery. Grieving Out Loud Podcast

5. Marcy is a grieving mom who, through her podcast and blog, strives to offer hope and help to parents who are experiencing loss and anyone who needs support, through her loving and empathetic podcast Always Andy's Mom - Surviving Child Loss. If you would like to support Marcy’s efforts to help parents grieve the loss of their children, please consider becoming a patron supporter by clicking here. (Tax deductible.)

6. Fierce Goodbye - Living in the Shadow of Suicide- This book helped me personally. Following is an excerpt from the book’s description: “Fierce Goodbye is first and foremost a penetrating account of a family dealing with suicide, and offers solid guidance for those who worry about the eternal fate of a loved one.”

7. Dr. Gabor Mate’s work is groundbreaking in the areas of trauma and addiction. His lived experience lends to his compassionate approach. His writings are profound, in my opinion, and the following are some of his incredible works. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters With Addiction; When the Body Says No; The Cost of Hidden Stress; Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder; and (with Dr. Gordon Neufeld) Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers.

8. Another ground-breaking book regarding the body/mind & trauma/addiction connection: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.

9. Don't Let Your Kids Kill You - A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children. This book helped me on many levels, and although I don’t necessarily agree with all of it, it is filled with useable nougats. It covers unapologetically how parents also become victims as they watch their children transform into irrational and antisocial individuals as a result of drug and alcohol abuse.

10. Johann Hari’s book, Chasing the Scream: The first and last days of the war on drugs, is a profound expose on the aftermath of the War on Drugs and how the mandate perpetuated substance use, shamed the addicts, and uplifted big pharma by making it legal for pharmaceutical conglomerates to advertise their products on TV.