Today is the 15-month anniversary of my son’s death.

It is fascinating how grief affects the brain. How acute and chronic grief has turned my mind to mush. I feel emotionally paralyzed. This experience has been soul-sucking and there is a gaping hole in my heart. I am sad, angry, and raw as I cry bitter tears on a regular basis. And as I continue to stumble through this landscape of loss and attempt to navigate my radically altered existence, due to acts of kindness and heaps of love I have received from amazing people, my brain fog has lifted ever so slightly, revealing a few things that I have gained.

I love to look at photos of my son doing what he loved. I am sad that I won’t have any new photos of him to enjoy. (Judson rappelling/2012)

What I have lost

Obviously I have lost a hell of a lot: my precious Judson and all future hugs, smiles, conversations, laughs, family gatherings, new photos, holiday celebrations, birthdays, and every new milestone. Like his 40th birthday last week. It hit me harder than I had imagined.

In the last fifteen months I lost my hope for the future, my inner strength, resilience and feistiness. I lost my desire to take incredible care of myself. I’ve lost handfuls of hair from the stress, and many times the will to get out of bed. I even lost a few friends who I thought would always be there for me, especially in times of great devastation (I have learned from other bereaved parents that “disappearing friends” is a phenomenon after tragic loss; they are uncomfortable with your grief and suffering, so they abandon you when you need them the most. It is sometimes referred to a “Lack of Loss Intelligence).

What I have gained

But I have gained more than I could have ever imagined, despite the fact that I am still very much in the depths of despair.

First, the “negative” gains. I have gained 20 pounds since Judson’s suicide. That is really the only negative gain - and this is fixable as I slowly regain my health.

Now for the positive gains, which far out-weigh that one negative “gain.”

The GoFundMe Campaign set up by my friend Cerri B. in 2021 to help with funeral expenses. I am forever grateful for this incredible gift.

I have gained insurmountable amounts of love and support from my family and friends! You have sacrificed, helped and then helped some more, even though you are busy. Even though I have not been fun to be around the last four years since Judson first became sick. Thank you for contributing to Judson’s GoFundMe and helping me with funeral expenses, travel and time off of work. Thank you for loving me through this!

Palo Cedro, CA, Fire Station 32 brothers and sisters honored Judson at his funeral.

I have gained many of Judson’s friends and firefighter sisters and brothers, who I now consider part of my extended family, as they continue to support me and Candace - each and every time they say Judson’s name, ask how we are doing, and truly listen. Even more special: when you take the time to share a Judson story or memory. We have learned a lot about Judson through your eyes – which is a significant part of our healing process!!!

I have gained the rekindling of old friends and acquaintances who I had not talked to in years, decades even, as they reach out in love, compassion and empathy. Some even send a card instead of a text, and let me tell you, that little extra feels so good. These gestures of kindness are extraordinarily helping in the healing process.

Marcy lost her son Andy in a tragic car crash. She now helps other grieving parents through her podcast and blog. Marcy has been instrumental in helping me through this tragedy.

I have gained brand-new friends through grieving parent support groups. These fierce and brace warriors, who are ahead of me on this extremely difficult grief journey, patiently listen with empathy and understanding. They are actually interested in hearing about my child! My pain! My suffering! They can relate to me – helping to wipe my bitter tears because they too have suffered the most searing and agonizing pain.

Alex McRobbs of the Mindful Life Practice. At the yoga retreat she hosted in May 2022, she shifted the schedule a little honor Judson on the one-year anniversary of his death. This single gesture of kindness helped me to turn the corner on my grief journey. Alex is one very special soul.

I have gained new friends and acquaintances around the world through their prolific writing, research and dedication to shining a light on the importance mental health disorders, substance use disorders, and suicide awareness.

Similarly, I have gained new friends from around the world through life-changing programs that provide safe spaces to help people recover from trauma and addiction through yoga, meditation, and healing circles.

Alex McRobbs, AKA Sober Yoga Girl, started ‘The Mindful Life Practice’ a few years ago and she is helping transform lives by offering online and in-person Sober Yoga Classes, Retreats, Trainings, she hosts a podcast and so much more.

I attended Alex’s yoga retreat on the one-year anniversary of Judson’s death. I am pretty sure she saved my life. I have so much more to share about this retreat, so I shall save that for a future writing.

I gained support from people I don’t even know – people who contributed to the GoFundMe campaign when Judson died last year. I could not have made it without this help – thank you! And people I have never met continue to send loving messages of concern and support. I was at Ulta in Medford trying to buy some lip gloss and I couldn’t remember the name and the girl helping me was so kind and concerned when I told her I couldn’t think straight since my son died last year. I started to cry…and she said, “Can I hug you?” And we embraced for the best hug, and she started crying too. I have countless stories of strangers seeing the pain on my face and holding a safe and sacred moment with me, a perfect stranger. It is true medicine for my heart and soul.

Today, on Judson’s 15-month “Angel-versary”, thank you to all the amazing humans who have helped me. You have given me hope that I may just make it through this.

Sending so much love,

Jami