Well, I did it.

I earned my RYT 500 Yoga Certification Designation, a goal I made when I first learned Judson was sick. I went WAY out of my comfort zone, because I had a contentious relationship with yoga. I preferred going Mach II with my hair on fire teaching Cardio Kickboxing, Cardio Kick & Barre, and Boot Camp. But I made it my mission to learn how to teach yoga so that I could save my Judson, because yoga helps with depression, anxiety, addiction, trauma – and so much more.

So I went through my first 200-hour training. Then I needed to specialize in Trauma Informed Yoga, so I signed up for a 300-hr. training. After work each day, and every weekend, I studied, practiced, and finally, in early May 2021, I had 280 hours completed, took the exam and passed, and the only remaining piece of was 20-hours of Karma (free) yoga. Almost done!

And then the worst happened: Judson died. I lost my boy. My precious son had taken his own life. I couldn’t save him. Part of me died with him. Every mother who has lost a child knows this feeling of complete despair.

“Many days, I did not get out of bed. I crawled deeper into the hole, and it was very dark down there, and the alcohol was flowing.”

This is the part of my story where I started into the depths of despair. Down, down, down I went. I could barely get out of bed, let alone think about a yoga certification.

So, I stopped. I pretty much checked out of life. I did not do yoga, nor did I teach. Many days, I did not get out of bed. I crawled deeper into the hole, and it was very dark down there, and the alcohol was flowing.

The climb back up and out since 2021 has been ugly, messy, dirty, painful, and difficult, sprinkled with divine intervention, love from family and friends old and new, 11:11’s from Judson, and the healing nectar of yoga, people who believe in me, sacred circles with other sweet souls learning the journey of sober curiosity, and my yoga students, who say they love my class, but they have no idea how much they are a healing balm to my soul.

I needed to turn in my 20-hours of Karma yoga videos by December 31, 2023. I kept running into obstacles – my low self-esteem, my grief, my depression – although slowly improving since his suicide, had a powerful hold on me and I could rarely get back in front of that camera. I was paralyzed and could not do what I needed to do. But, Divine Intervention is incredibly powerful. While sharing my struggles with my great friend Diana, she said, “Jami. I am going to help you. Let’s make a plan.”

And we did.

And with Diana’s guidance, I committed to finishing, and after a few false starts, lots of tears, and hours of filming, editing, and uploading, I DID IT! I am now a 500 RYT!

On December 29, 2023, thirty-one months to the day after Judson’s death, I finally submitted those final 20-hours.

I am dedicating this huge accomplishment to Judson, whom I could not save, but it is because of him that I became a yoga teacher, and I cannot think of a better way to honor his memory.

And I am sending massive love to my yoga teachers - Krista Holland, of Surya Soma Yoga, Alex McRoberts, of the Mindful Life Practice, Cole Chance & Crew of the Emerge Program, and Michelle Young & Crew of My Vinyasa Practice. And to my precious friend Diana Bowers, without who’s help I could not have finished, I am forever grateful. And massive love to my Siskiyou Family YMCA family – all the support and love from staff and members has been overwhelming.

And massive love to my daughter Candace, my family, friends, and the community that has helped me through my darkest hour.

I have hope again. Hope that I just might make it after all.

Image by Shasta Photography.